Today I walked all over the frozen city. I began the day with my consultation for a breast reduction that I mentioned in my resolution post. I’m not ready to pull the trigger on this expensive surgical option, but I am exploring the option very seriously. I liked the doctor I spoke with and I liked what he had to say. I am keeping this option on the back burner after I take this year to explore weight loss options with my doctor. I may be successful and no longer feel like surgery is something I should consider. I may be successful and feel like I STILL need to consider this. I may also be unsuccessful in this endeavor and if that is the case I am going to continue to love myself but will be prepared to take the steps I need to to save my neck and back from these big knockers.

At my regular doctor’s office we talked about my goals and after assessing my current health as very good despite my BMI. BMI, or body mass index, is not everything and any doctor who tells you it is is not someone you should be paying for medical advice. This doc is interested in treating the whole person. I am many things, including an athlete, and it meant a lot she took that seriously. So why do I mention my BMI? Well it’s still a helpful indicator for some things, and mine (just barely) qualified me as a candidate for certain prescription options. There is the cheap option- basically speed- that speeds up metabolism and suppresses appetite. This would be short term and did not sound appealing. The other option, the one she thought, and I agreed, would be a good fit for my particular struggles around food is called Contrave which combines naltrexone (which you may recognize as an opioid blocker) and bupropion (basically wellbutrin). Given that most of my diet struggles are not with the actual food that I am eating, but with the quantities I am known to suddenly consume while stressed, or emotional, or bored. Everything seems to be going well and then suddenly I’ve consumed $50 worth of groceries in one sitting. With this in mind, this particular drug sounds perfect for me.

I considered not writing about this here. Somehow I felt a little embarrassed that I was at the point where I would take pills to lose weight. Admitting to having a weight loss goal at all was a struggle. I don’t want anyone to feel I’m abandoning body positivity for a quest for thinness- I don’t want to be thin, I want to be strong. I do want to look better, but I’m not really willing to do much to achieve that goal. What I am willing to sacrifice and work for is feeling better and moving more easily while I’m running or doing yoga or boxing. So that’s why I shelled out the money for these meds. Admitting that I haven’t been able to do this on my own is also hard. I’m extremely active and have never had a problem putting the work in. In the end though, just because you’re running and working out and eating vegetables, doesn’t mean you can binge on everything in your kitchen every time you have a bad day without seeing consequences. This is the last time I’ll indulge in justifying this decision to you- my readers- who have never given me any reason to think you would judge me for a choice like this. I also promise that this will never become a weight loss blog. I will post about certain milestones but I am not going to be going on and on about every pound and every calorie. Not only is that boring, but it is not what I am here to write about. This blog is about running and health and happiness.

After all this doctoring I got home around 5 pm, I had already walked more than 12,000 steps with my backpack on and shopping bags and I was feeling pretty beat. Sometimes I feel like if I put in enough steps that should count… but if those steps were not put in while running then… well. Anyway, I dropped off my bag and ran. A mile a day, I can do the work. It actually felt good even though I was tired and felt like I should be allowed to just go home and sit down. Tomorrow I’ll get out there again and I hope it feels like today.

Also, FYI, the time on this Garmin screenshot has been adjusted to accurately reflect my time BEFORE I failed to pause it and then spent 5 minutes on the phone with my mom just sitting around. I know it was 11 minutes, because I THOUGHT I paused it, and then called mom. The time of the call said 4 min 59 sec when I ACTUALLY paused it. I did the math. 

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